I'm raising a six-year-old granddaughter, and it seems to be getting harder and harder as we go. I do not know what is happening, but lately I seem to be yelling more at her and all she does is cry. I know a lot of it is me. I am 53 years old and work. I do have help, but it seems like my nerves are shot. I am thinking about seeing someone so I can have someone to talk to, but is there anything I can do on my own?

--Judy

I applaud your willingness to see -- and address -- the role you may be playing in the conflict you and your granddaughter are experiencing. By all means, do consult with a therapist who can offer you support and help you change any behavior patterns over which you have control ... and suggest ways to help your granddaughter as well.

You say you're exhausted and your nerves are shot. When we're physically and emotionally depleted we lose our normal resiliency to stress and conflict. What might not bother us much when we're rested and feeling good can drive us up a wall when we're not. If that's part of the problem here, then your taking care of yourself physically and emotionally will pay off in your relationship with your granddaughter. That may mean getting more help around the house, working less (if you're able), getting regular exercise, enjoying social time with friends occasionally, having a massage, or even soaking in a warm bath to help you replenish your energy. You'll feel more relaxed with your granddaughter as a result, and she will feel that and be less likely to react to your own stress.

I also wonder, though, why you are raising your granddaughter instead of her parents doing so. If she has lost her parents due to death, divorce, or abandonment, she may be confused and angry, and some of the conflict between the two of you may stem from that. Children who feel abandoned by their parents (which can happen even if the separation was involuntary, such as in accidental or natural death) may believe their parents didn't want them or purposefully rejected them. And although, sadly, sometimes that's true, in such situations children will believe they were rejected because they are unlovable or defective, not realizing that the real problem was their parents'.

Children who've lost one or both parents often expect the new or remaining caregiver to leave them, too, and may try to force that by acting out. By causing the new caregiver to reject them, the child may feel more in control of the feared outcome, which actually feels less scary. (There may also be an element of the child's wanting to "go ahead and get it over with.")

If some of the problems between the two of you stem from your granddaughter's feeling abandoned by her parents and fearing abandonment by you, it may help to discuss her feelings with her gently in terms she can understand. If you do decide to see a therapist, he or she might be able to assist you with that, as well.