John W. Anderson is the author of Stand by Her: A Breast Cancer Guide for Men (AMACOM, 2009).

Dear Sharon, Mary, Mom and Caryl:

You are my wife, sister, mom, and family friend, who all have one thing in common: breast cancer.

I wasn’t even there when “it” first happened to you, Mom. I was a pre-med student at the University of Delaware in 1978 studying for a biology final when you found a red blotch across your breast while getting dressed before work. Mom, you knew as a nurse that something was really wrong, but you didn’t want me to know about it. You wanted to protect me, your oldest of seven children, so you told Dad not to tell me what was going on until after your exploratory operation. It was before mammograms, sonograms, and MRIs, CAT and PET scans existed. You first learned that you had breast cancer after surgery, when your best friend Caryl took your hand and guided it to where your breast once was.

I was sitting right next to you, Sharon, when you found out. It was on that snowy, steely gray January 5, 2001 day, when the surgeon looked at you and said, “It’s malignant.” And what did you do? You turned to me, tears in your eyes, and said, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

Mary, when the news came back that you had cancer, it was when you had Sharon by your side, since she was going through breast cancer herself. You left it up to her to tell me. You probably figured that it would be better coming from her, because of what cancer had done to both of us years ago when we watched Mom suffer through it.

Caryl, I didn’t find out from you directly either. And why would I? Mom was your best friend, who you tried on clothes with, chatted with in the backyard over lemonade, or laid with in the sand together during our annual trips to Myrtle Beach. So you had her tell me.

All four of you had the same instinct when it came to telling me you had breast cancer: protection. That’s because all four of you are moms, and that’s what moms do—protect, nurture and support.

NEXT: “The lessons I learned about supporting the women I love”